Star Wars: The Force Awakens is now available!
Many Hollywood insiders were baffled when Star Wars, a mildly popular franchise that has never rendered multiple generations of otherwise right-thinking people incapable of critical thought, announced a seventh movie. Over the past two decades, very little had been written on the internet about Star Wars, and almost nobody had expressed their enthusiasm about excruciatingly minor details of the franchise, so it seemed risky to make a brand new movie. There was a strong chance it might be a massive failure and only make something like six billion dollars on its opening weekend.
Any naysayers were of course proven wrong, likely buried beneath a pile of t-shirts which, get this: mashed up aspects of Star Wars and other pop culture franchises. (They thought of everything folks!) The Force Awakens was a massive hit. Experts estimate that the value of BB-8 merchandise thrown away thus far is more than the Fantastic Four movie made last summer. Those same experts went on to point out that maybe we shouldn’t be buying so much Star Wars crap when the average household income worldwide is well under ten thousand dollars, but we inserted our earplugs that look like Lor San Tekka so they couldn’t harsh our buzz.
Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the movie event to end all movie events: grainy home video footage of Bib Fortuna’s retirement party. Er, I mean, Star Wars: The Force Awakens.
Conor Lastowka – Senior Writer
Sean Thomason – Senior Writer
Contributing Writers: Molly Hodgdon, Jason Miller, Mike Schuster, and Joseph Scrimshaw